The Grandest Intention

The highly anticipated trailer for Grand Theft Auto IV was released today after a big PR media blitz that included not only a web site countdown to March 29, but also a television countdown on FX from 2:00 to 2:30 AM, described on the GTA:IV Wikipedia page, that sounds more annoying than anything else. In case you haven't heard, countdowns are the new black.

I have a long and complicated history with the Grand Theft Auto franchise. I vaguely remember the original GTA, though I can't remember where I knew it from (Killa may have had it? Back in those dark days, we resided together in the domicile of Progenitrix XX); I don't recall ever actually playing it. The first one I actually played---or tried to play---was Vice City, and I had a bout with San Andreas also. The gameplay is so alluring, the cities so vast and infinitely explorable, the characters so conflicted, that I just couldn't resist giving the games a try, even after I turned out to be embarassingly bad at both of them.

The main problem is that I'm not good at stealing cars. As it happens, this is kind of requisite in a game series that is based on stealing cars. I just don't feel comfortable with it. I always run my guy up to a likely looking car and open the door, and then I hestitate a split second too long and the driver either punches my guy in the face or slams the car door shut and drives away; and then I end up walking to my destination.

Let me tell you, walking along the side of the highway from Las Venturas to Los Santos is not a fun way to spend an afternoon.

If I do manage to steal a vehicle, I then try to obey all traffic signals and speed limits and drive very carefully. After all, I don't want the cops to catch me in a stolen vehicle! I'm also very carefuly not to hit anyone with my car, not to drive on the sidewalks, etc. If I get a star on the Wanted Meter, I immediately freak out, ditch my vehicle, and hide out in a culvert until the star goes away. Grand Theft Auto games produce a lot of anxiety in me. And, yet, I want too badly to play them that I keep trying.

Killa once set out to help me learn how to be more assertive in Grand Theft Auto by tutoring me in the necessary gameplay techniques and controls. When he finally got me situated in a stolen vehicle and I began creeping down the street, he told me to press R3 to honk my car horn and scatter some pedestrians (after I refused to simply run them down), which is when I issued my now-famous proclamation, "There's an R3?!"

My idea for a spin off is a game called Grand Theft Idea. It takes place in a fictional university and your character is a ruthless plagiarist who goes around the campus downloading term papers from other people's computers, stealing large excerpts from journal articles in the library without citing the sources, and lifting lab notebooks from classmates' backpacks to copy the notes. All without being busted by the Academic Honesty Committee. I think that might be more my speed.

While you're waiting on news of the hotly anticipated Grand Theft Idea: I, here's the trailer for GTA:IV, courtesy of Gamevideos.com. I know it doesn't feature anything as exciting as plagiarism, but try not to be too disappointed.