Work Sucks!

Today was a terrible day at work. All day I was dealing with a series of blunders on a particular project and every time I corrected one, another would pop up. Two o'clock found me in my boss's office complaining about the phenomenon, when, to my absolute mortification, I got a little emotional and let my distress show (it was a very bad day). This has me feeling a bit like Super Princess Peach who---let's be honest now---isn't very super. There's something inherently distasteful in the concept of propelling Peach through her own titular game by toying with her emotions (e.g., get her crying and she can run with super speed; make her angry and she becomes invincible, leaving earthquakes in her wake).

Anyway, the problem with my job is that it's just a normal job. It's not an awesome video game job. No, I don't mean a job in the video game industry, I mean a job in a video game. If you think about it, video games almost always depict characters going about their work-a-day jobs. It's just that their jobs are so interesting and exciting that when we come home from our nine-to-fives (or, in Killa's case, our midnight-to-fives) we can't wait to shed our own workday woes and get into theirs. Some great examples of this are the NES classic Paperboy (self-explanatory) and the new Atlus series Trauma Center, in which you play as a doctor and perform surgery on patients (no word yet on a proctology expansion).

So what are some of the greatest jobs in video games? Off the top of my head. . . .

	Intergalactic Bounty Hunter. In the employ of the Galactic Federation, fly around the known galaxy in your Gunship hunting Space Pirates and those pesky Metroids. The hours are long, but you get to unwind at the end of a tough mission by taking off your Power Suit and shocking spectators by parading around in your Zero Suit (like a birthday suit, but blue). Samus Aran, pictured left, is a very famous and sucessful bounty hunter, having appeared in a number of Metroid games and all three Super Smash Bros. installments. She has the distinction of being one of the very first female protagonists in video game history, although I can't say that's terribly impressive since by the time the original Metroid takes place in 20X5, we would hope women's lib should have made some advancements. . . .
Freelance Demon Slayer. This isn't a job for everyone; superhuman speed, strength, and agility are pretty much prerequisite. Being the offspring of a legendary Dark Knight and a mortal is a definite plus. And without a Demon Trigger, you won't stand a chance. Pictured right is Dante of Devil May Cry fame, Demon Slayer extraordinaire. The successful candidate will be expected to utilize a wide variety of fighting styles to vanquish demons and other supernatural phenomena. Mustn't be at all squeamish---the weapons of fallen foes are prime pickins for the aspiring Demon Slayer. A sense of style is absolutely mandatory, as points are amassed not only for killing legions of demons, but for doing it in an attractive manner. Suggest honing skills with gun, sword, and trench coat.
	Globetrotting Archaeologist. Easily one of the most glamorous occupations in this gaming life, this archaeological adventurer---a sort of tomb raider, if you will---can expect no end of action-packed excursions to exotic locations such as Peru, Egypt, and even Atlantis! A degree in the social sciences won't help you land this dream job: Come prepared with an inherited fortune, an infinite amount of leisure time, your own private airplane, and a very large brassiere. Must be willing to rob graves. Bonus: Fellow globetrotting golden girl Angelina Jolie may be tapped to portray you on the silver screen.
Plumber. Not every job in the video game galaxy is glamorous. Sometimes you just have to roll up your bright red sleeves, hitch up your trademark overalls, and climb down a slimy pipe into a brave new world of . . . fungi? But a plumber's gotta do what a plumber's gotta do---and if the job involves stomping mushroom men, spitting fireballs, and bopping your way to victory, then Mario's going to do it. That's why plumbers make the big bucks. Of course, plumbing isn't Mario's only job. In his long and esteemed career, he's also been a professional golfer, race car driver, soccer player, doctor, tennis player, boxing referee, and many, many other things. I have to say, I'm not sure how he'll feel when he finally vanquishes the evil turtle king, only to be told: "I'm sorry, but your Super Princess Peach got manically happy and flew out of the castle in a whirlwind of emotion."
	Midgar Flower Girl. It's not easy to make your living selling flowers in a city where nothing can grow, but Aeris Gainsborough (left) makes this humble occupation look good. In the middle of the semi-subterranean Midgar slums, the Midgar Flower Girl will be expected to lovingly tend the only patch of grass and few flowers in the city; working conditions in the abandoned slum church are substandard; and avoiding Turk attacks and kidnapping attempts by the omnipresent Shin-Ra Corp. demand a quick-witted, independent individual. Endless optimism is a must, even in the darkest places and direst times. Are you interested? Because there's a vacancy.